#9: The ‘No List’- How I Commit to it.

It’s all too easy for me to say just commit; 

• We know what to do
• We know how to do it
• But we just don’t.

So how do you actually stick to it? When you’ve challenged and all you want is to restrict, compensate or turn back the clock and ‘unchallenge’, how do we cope and not crawl back to the safety of anorexia. I’ve said this before but I find it amazing that I can genuinely be lying in my bed at 8am and plan to change my breakfast and have a bagel but by 8.05am when stood in front of the bagels, I’ll have changed my mind. I have to literally run to the kitchen and pop it in the toaster to avoid changing my mind.

 

 

 

What Helps me?

Something that really helped me was something called my ‘no list.’ It’s basically a little set of rules that I came up with for myself that I cannot, under any circumstance, break. It was actually a bloody relief to have given myself permission not to engage in some of the silly behaviours. Somehow, because its on the list, and therefore I have no option to do it, I feel less guilty about not giving into my urges. It’s on the list so there is absolutely no chance of me doing it, and after a relatively short period of time my brain stopped sending me such strong urges to engage in the behaviour because I never responded. Here’s mine.

• No long distance running 
• No reduced gator reduced sugar
• No standing up when could sit down
• No leaving anything on plate
• No negotiations
• No ‘ill have it later’
• No weighing food
• No weighing self
• No compensating 
• No body checking
• No comparing
  

and I can’t tell you how much this list has helped me.

Obviously it is a personal list for me and will not apply to exactly you so the best thing you can do is grab some paper and write down compensatory behaviours and/or negative behaviours which slow your recovery.  

Explaining my ‘no list’ a little:

• No long distance running: 

Simple. This was something that I did during my eating disorder. I don’t need to waste energy that could be going into my healing. I can’t be sure its not a compulsion- so for now it’s absolutely out of the question.

• No reduced fat reduced sugar items

I want to recover and be comfortable eating everything. I don’t want to only be comfortable eating ‘light’ yogurts and diet ice-cream but be terrified of the regular version. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be picking these products for taste, but because they are ‘healthier’. Any restriction in recovery is no good for me and the opposite of healthy.

• No standing up when could sit down

I struggled with this for a while. if there was a free chair. I wouldn’t take it. I’d prefer to be on my feet. Or AN would prefer me to be on my feet. I need to give my body well deserved rest.

• No leaving anything on plate

I read in instagram captions a lot ‘couldn’t finish this’ and as soon as I read this I question is that due to fullness or restriction? I have a hugggee appetite at the moment, so anything left on my plate would be restriction. From pizza crusts to a few pieces pasta- me leaving any morsel on my plate is a little victory for AN.

• No negotiations

If I wake up and decide to challenge white pasta, that’s it. No changes to this are going to happen and I write it down so I can’t deviate from it. I’m having it. But, within 2 minutes of making that decision, AN will have suggested having whole-wheat pasta instead. 4 minutes later, protein pasta (chickpea/edamamme) is thrown into the suggestion mix. 6 minutes later, it’ll be 50% pasta, 50% veg. If I allow AN to negotiate, I’ll end up with a gross bowl of courgetti or spiralised carrot. NOPE.

• No ‘I’ll have it later’

‘Later’ was always a big problem for me. If I fancy a yoghurt with granola in the morning, I will have it then. I do like having yoghurt and granola after dinner but I can have it then too. Often, later never comes. that promise of having it later is something I have done for too long.

• No weighing food
• No weighing self
• No body checking

All pointless things which don’t bring me happiness and are a waste of time.

• No compensating

No: “I challenged breakfast this morning so I’ll have a smaller lunch” type of thing. There’s no point in challenging and pushing yourself if AN ends up winning because you have run back to the safety of restriction later. Likewise, no “I’m going out later so I’ll skip this now.” I’ll do a post on event restriction soon I think.

• No comparing

“I am Han. I am my own person. I am on my own journey. I am on my own path.”

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx