Hi! Happy Thursday!

I thought I’d do a quick blog about something I’ve been working on, but first I’ll briefly put it in context.

Creating a little mental catalogue of quotes/mantras/sayings has helped me so much in my recovery. It’s so useful to have a quick and automatic response to the eating disorder thoughts. When the ED thoughts seem involuntary, I know how exhausting it can feel to have to rationalise and battle against them every single time and for what sometimes seems like every single moment of the day. For me, they were pretty constant and reminding my self of my true values was often really hard in the moment. Sometimes, when your heads spinning, you feel guilty and you just want to give up, it so seems impossible to rationalise and not catastrophize. I know that ‘this is genuinely the end of the world!!’ feeling all to well.

To try to combat this, I made a little ‘recovery reminders’ book. I’ve never really been into journaling but I can honestly say this has saved me from many-a-meltdown and given me motivation to pick myself back up and continue. I obviously compiled the book when I was thinking rationally and so what’s in it was my genuine unEDinfluenced feelings. When I was feeling panicked or confronted with a fear, I or my parents grabbed the journal and it had the power to change my outlook. I think it also really helped my parents because they knew what to say in those crisis moments. I now realise how terrifying I was when I was in a panic (mainly at the start of my recovery) and I remember being so disappointed that everything they said to comfort me seemed to be the ‘wrong thing’. It was a horrible time for us all and I know sometimes they got upset when they accidentally said the ‘wrong’ thing too. The mantras really helped them be able to connect with and comfort me and actually say helpful things.

For example, If I looked in the mirror one day and didn’t LOVE what I saw and began to get upset, I quickly repeated 3 things without even thinking:

1. My body is the least important thing about me

2. I do not have to love my body, I have to love the life my body allows me to live.

3. My body is a vehicle for my personality and emotions.

For extra reassurance, these were also written in the journal. It really helped having them at the forefront of my mind. The more I repeated them, the more I believed them and I could quickly shut down any ED thought. For me, it was never (and still isn’t quite yet) a case of trying to block/not receive the thoughts. For now, we have to accept that they will inevitably come. Instead, we have to learn how to appropriately cope with them in a non destructive way. This journal really helped me with that, as well as rationalising that opposite actions was the correct thing to do. As it helped me so much, I was wondering whether it might help some of you…

Every summer since I was young, I try to take on a new little project for myself. It’s usually something I haven’t done before. During the school/uni term, I never ever get time for arts and crafts stuff, but it’s something I actually really, really love doing. In the past few years when I wasn’t well however, I wasn’t truly passionate about anything and none of my projects were a success. I think last summer I bought a bit of stuff for bracelet making, but didn’t have the energy or oomph to give it a good go. I just became agitated and bored at plaiting the fabric.

This summer will be different, though. I decided that if I could use some of my experience to help others, whilst also getting stuck in with a new lil’ project, it would be both fun and rewarding for me. It’s a non-profit thing, but obviously all of the materials cost. I think including materials and postage it will come to around £10 for me to do. I don’t mind there being no profit because it’s something I’m enjoying doing and hopefully will be helpful 🙂

The little individually personalised book will include around 30 ‘recovery reminders’ on photo paper in a cool handmade journal which you can add some notes to yourself. The packaging I will send it in and book itself are made of good, recycled paper so it’s as eco as poss. If I could do it cheaper, I would love to so if there’s interest I’d continue working on ways to reduce the cost. The ‘recovery reminders’ are things I have repeated to myself over and over again to get me to the place I am now.

If you think you might like one, send me a quick DM on Instagram or if you prefer, you can send me a quick email on my YouTube email account: (hanbeatsan@gmail.com). A message doesn’t commit you to buying one, but just sort of let’s me know your interest 🙂

I hope these might be helpful for you & or your parent/friend and is also a bit of relaxation for me.

Always keep fighting,

Han xx

This blog might not be so helpful for people in the early stages of recovery. However, if you’re currently doing well, or even if you’re in a mid-recovery-clusterfuck, it hope it is 🙂

On a sunny Thursday morning, when driving back from a shopping trip, I saw a group of runners clustered together on the side of the road. I thought to myself “uhhhh why can’t I be doing that”.

Well, Han. Because you have an eating disorder and it would be fucking stupid for you to. That’s why.

Although one day I might get back to it, I still must wait because lingering with that excitement of one day being strong enough to do it again, is an underlying fear. Strangely, I’m terrified to return to it. I am so incredibly scared that my relationship with exercise will never heal and be what it used to be so much so that I hardly want to test it out to check. I am so scared once I start, it might become disordered again and I never ever want to go back to that hell. But thats exactly what will happen if I don’t allow time for full neutral rewiring. All the progress I’ve made so far could be reverted, so I must wait. After so long of not exercising or compulsively moving, I have accepted that. Deep down I know that eventually I will be able to have a good relationship with exercise again, but only if I take my time.

When I saying that I’m waiting, I don’t mean chilling until I’m weight restored and then I have free license to do what ever I want. Weight restoration isn’t the only aspect of recovery. It’s important, but only half of the story. I’m not just waiting until I’m at my set point ‘healthy’ physical weight, but until I’m completely mentally healthy too. I fully committed to unrestricted eating and therefore in theory, physically my body might be ready to return to exercise. But mentally, I am likely to still be a long way off it.

(Side note: I’ve mentioned previously that running used to be ~my thing~. In the most completely undisordered way, it was what I enjoyed most and was best at since I was young. Competing in events took up a lot of my time and I truly loved it. (This is before I over did the training with inadequate nutrition and slipped into and energy deficit which triggered anorexia). Then my relationship with it turned sour. It was no longer for joy. So when I began ‘real recovery’ eventually, very, very reluctantly, I went cold turkey. I haven’t exercised in a long time. Perhaps 6 months now.)

So just as I was pulling up in my drive way after shopping this morning, I starting pondering the thought of going back to exercise. Not running necessarily, but some sort of movement. I watched some tv, wondering and considering the possibility of it. Am I ready? Is it safe? Is it for the ‘right’ reasons? I wasn’t entirely sure.

And then, like magic, a notification popped up on my phone. A Tabitha Farrar upload answering my exact thoughts. Funny how often that happens actually. Early in the video, she speaks about how a year off of exercise is the minimum she would recommend to break the habit. A year??? My eyes widened as I watched. NO. That can’t be! “But maybe because I genuinely loved exercise before my ED began, 6 months is enough??” I hoped. I took a deep breath and watched on. Of course, her justification of this minimum of a year of exercise abstinence was perfect. Therefore, I’ll follow it and then assess my situation.

A fundamental flaw with the treatment system (in the uk anyway) is that they look at recovery very much from a nutritional rehabilitation perspective. If the patient has gained X amount of weight, and this is deemed as acceptable or ‘healthier’, doctors or teams might allow reintroduction of exercise regardless of psychological state. Healthy weight=healthy mind, right?? No, not at all. We all know that.

I have certainly restored weight and have come on leaps and bounds mentally, but I know deep down that I’m not ‘there’ yet. I still have a lot of cementing to do over the foundations I’ve laid down. Even if I have considerably improved physically, I can’t ignore that the neural rewiring has not had enough time to become affirmative. Just because it might be physically ‘safe’ to exercise for me now, mentally it is not. Even if I began exercising with the best intentions, out of the sheer joy of movement, it is possible that unintentionally the associated emotions could return due to the neural pathways still being active. For some creeping behaviours might even go a bit unnoticed, but for me, they didn’t. As soon as I previously tried to reintroduce exercise (too early) all of these niggling thoughts creeped back. There was still something present in my mind that linked exercise with food and therefore the suggestion to eat ‘just a little bit less/healthier’ took over. It’s not a coincidence that urges of restricting re-emerge after beginning exercise. By exercising, I put energy into that dying neural pathway and revitalised it. I lifted up the whole neural network and awoke associated behaviours. So, simply put, because exercise is something ED associated and was being permitted, all of the other associated behaviours creeped back too.

Here’s an analogy for you. As usual, you’re going to have to use your imagination… What I’ve done in my recovery so far has been (a bit) like pouring jelly into a mould. Every day that it’s left in peace in the mould, it’s becoming firmer and stronger. This is like how my beliefs and actions are now stronger. BUT, if somebody where to violently shake the jelly mould before it’s completely set, all of the hard work may go to waste. The not-quite-set-jelly may break up because it wasn’t quite ready. Like my recovery, if I’m not ready mentally and I haven’t quite broken the faulty neural pathways which connected exercise and food, I may fall backwards.

Superhighways

In the video and in her neural rewiring book, Tabitha talks about how she believes there are 2 ‘superhighways’ which are basically 2 massive neural pathways. We don’t have “highways” in the UK, but I’m picturing the M25 motorway as the equivalent. These ‘superhighways’ are the 2 primary behaviours that it are easy to slip back into, and to re-emerge if you go back to doing them too soon:

1) orthorexic eating.

2) over exercising.

They are the 2 behaviours that are hardest to break the pathways of, perhaps because they are most deeply ingrained. Maybe you’re doing really well in recovery, you’re winning, thriving even, but these pathways aren’t completely shattered, they’re underlying or maybe still dormant. Going back to the behaviours too soon, when they’re not entirely gone, could cause the awakening of the associated behaviours.

She used the analogy of allowing the ‘grass to grow over’ the pathways entirely before you go back to them. If you try to drive on motorway/highway too quickly, it’s still possible that you’ll reenergise the pathway, awaken and strengthen it. This makes total sense to me. Other habits might be like minor roads. Perhaps like B roads (in the uk). They’re easier to break and take less time for the grass to grow over. A personal example of this is like eating my dinner with small cutlery. This pathway and behaviour is not even a thought sent to me anymore, because I avoided it for an adequate amount of time. However, if there wasn’t any normal cutlery clean and I was ‘forced’ to use a small fork once, I am no longer tempted to use a small fork the next time. That (minor B road) pathway has been broken and cannot be awoken.

However these 2 ‘superhighways’ are things which take a lot of neural rewiring to heal. This rewiring takes time and should not be rushed. The bigger the superhighway/motorway, perhaps the longer it will take the grass to grow over so if, like me, you had a particular problem with overexercising, it might take a very long time. These pathways may be well used and well trodden if you engaged in the behaviours for a long time.

Before I went cold turkey, and tried to reintroduce exercise too early. Once I began exercising again, I immediately felt the restrictive urges returning. This is what will happen over and over again if I try to start before I am ready. The link between excerise and restriction was certainly still there 6 months ago. Physically, I might be ‘able’ to do it, but mentally, I don’t think the pathways are quite set in stone yet.

This is the same as when you get those little thoughts to ‘maybe start eating a little bit healthier now’. If you relationship with food isn’t completely secure, this can quickly spiral into dangerous territory. You might even be well into recovery and have faced many fear foods, but those little thoughts of ‘eating cleaner’ can soon become overwhelming.

Tabitha’s advice is once you eventually do return to it: tread very, very carefully. Don’t go back to something if you don’t have to and if you are doing it, make sure it’s for fun. I certainly won’t be returning to it for now and I have a wonderfully timed notification to thank for that. Upon returning, I will be sure to look for signs of slipping or emergence of old habits but who knows how long that will be. Don’t hinge the question “should I go back to exercise yet” on your physical appearance. You need to have abstained from exercise and given time for your brain to heal and dissociate behaviours before it is safe to return.

When the grass is so grown I’ve that road that you can see no sign of tarmac anymore, you can do what ever the hell you want.

Always keep fighting,

Han xx

Last week on my Instagram story I asked if a Q&A style blog might be helpful. I’m currently on the plane on the way home from holiday and have some time to answer them. Sorry if I couldn’t answer your question this time, I’d be writing all day if I answered all of them and this flight (thankfully) isn’t a long one. I ended up picking a few questions which were most frequently asked and went into detail on these. It’s great for me to reaffirm my own beliefs by writing them down too. Win-win 🙂 So, let’s begin...

How you deal with the physical reality of recovery, for example growing out of clothes and noticing weight gain?

PART 1) In my ‘early recovery’, (that bit where I was awkwardly stumbling around trying to eat more but also stupidly massively restricting still) I desperately wanted to recover mentally but never thought I’d be able to deal with the weight gain aspect. I was so terrified of it.

Really whilst you’re ‘in recovery’, I don’t think it’s ever going to be a case of liking weight gain or it being pleasant, but more of something that must be got through. It won’t feel anywhere near this painful forever, but how awful it feels in the moment, shouldn’t stop you. Anorexia is an illness that makes you irrationally terrified of weight gain. I think it’s more of a case of accepting its inevitability and necessity for the time being until it becomes less daunting. And from my experience, it certainly becomes considerably easier. The more weight I restored, the less daunting and awful the thought became. My nourished brain began to see that weight gain didn’t spell the end of the world.

Also, Someway through my recovery, I learnt the “life positive, body neutral” concept which basically follows the narrative that:

“I do not have to love my body, I have to love the life my body allows me to live.”

I love this idea. This really helped me. I think for me personally, it’s unrealistic to expect body positivity, as such, right now. One day, I do hope to appreciate the strength of my body like I used to and I’m sure that will be the case, but for now, just being ‘ok’ with it is working effectively for me. I don’t necessarily love it, but I certainly don’t hate it. I say that I want to fall in love with the strength of my body again because pre-Ed I was sports mad (in the most un-disordered way possible). I was strong because of my training and it was something I appreciated, although I don’t agree that one has to have muscle or strength to feel beautiful or positive. That’s why I don’t like the saying “strong not skinny”. There’s should be no pressure to be either in my opinion. Like most things, this appreciation of my leg and arm strength was a personal thing and it was always about how amazing sport made me feel. At the moment, I am weak physically in comparison to what I was. However, doing exercise isn’t right for me at the moment so I am just working on being ‘ok’ with my recovery body rather than trying to improve my strength again with exercise.

Here is one idea that I have repeated many many times to help me with that acceptance:

My body is the least important thing about me. Anybody who is worth being friends with won’t value my weight or size above my personality. At the end of the day, unfortunately, everyone else is too concerned about their own bodies to worry about what yours looks like.

PART 2: In regards to clothes growing tighter and stuff, all I can say from experience is buy new clothes and don’t hold onto old ones. Take 2 sizes up in the changing room and go from there. You clothes should fit you, you shouldn’t fit into your clothes.

The problem with buying baggy clothes is that it’s avoiding the issue. It strengthens the belief that your body is something to be hidden and avoided being seen. The problem with buying tight clothes is that it can feel super uncomfortable. Pinafores are something that have really helped me as they make me feel nice without hiding my body/being too tight 🙂

How can I break away from my ED identity?

This was probably the most common question.

I think a lot of us look back at the time we were at our worst with rose tinted glasses. We romanticise something that was horrendous, so much that we even consider going back there.

My ED identity isn’t something I am actually proud of. I was horrible, to myself and to others. However sometimes I seem to forget this and slip into thinking that anorexia was a safety blanket. This is a tough question but taking a step back and writing down all of the things my ED limited me from and all of the things I can do without an ED really helped put things in perspective. But, you can make all the lists etc in the world. Just knuckling down and committing to recovery despite the fear is what must happen. As soon as you fully rehabilitate and rewire, that identity that you think you will miss, will be a far shot from what you now want.

There is so much more to life than overexercising and restricting my intake. I am so much more than that and so are you.

What would your ideal day be without an ED?

What a lovely question. I wake up super early so I’d like a short early morning beach walk with my family followed breakfast at a nice café.

I love going to London, as I live so rural, so I’d then probably do a bit of window shopping there and something silly like mini golf in the sun. I’d have a picnic in a park, and maybe do some sightseeing or watch a professional tennis/ football match. In the evening, I’d get the train home and have a pizza followed by a movie in the cinema or outdoor cinema with friends.

I’m happy to say I’d be able to do this now without too much interference from my ED.

“How did you increase your food intake?”

I tried for many months with a gradual increase. It’s similar to something known as reverse dieting. You add on a few hundred cals every week (or at regular intervals). This is such a common thing for treatment teams to do.

For me, this didn’t work at all. Adding on a a banana and a couple of biscuits every week was NOWHERE NEAR enough to satisfy my extremely starved brain and body. I knew I could eat so much more than X+200cals every week.

Also, the counting, measuring, timings feeling that I could not exceed the mealplan, made it impossible to feel like I was living. I was still trapped in rules.

TOTAL Unrestrectived eating was what made progress. Going ‘all in’. No weighing, no measuring food, just eating what I wanted when I wanted with unconditional permission. This is easier said than done, but I guess I was just sick of trying to recover whilst still restricting. Sure, I was gaining weight with the additional few cals, because of my suppressed metabolism, but no mental progress was being made. Just many, many attempts at getting as close to unrestricted eating as possible and then finally cracking it.

“How to use others to keep you accountable?”

Firstly, keep in mind that as a determined, committed adult, you are accountable and you shouldn’t rely heavily on others. However, you’re right, support from others is essential in the tough moments.

Inform others of your 3 recovery commitments. The more they remind you of them when you’re struggling, the better. If it feels tedious when they keep reminding you it, live with it. Those feelings will pass when you realise they are helping you. The more you follow through with the commitments, the less your family will remind you of them.

Here are some others that I found useful:

• Tell others to make sure you finish your plate.

• Ask others to prepare snacks and meals for you.

• Inform others of your challenges so they can provide encouragement

“What’s your experience with weight distribution?”

It’s still happening. Your recovery body isn’t your permanent body. They change constantly. Our bodies are amazing and fat is going to the areas that need protecting. It’s so tricky not to, but try not to get caught up in micromanaging how long it will take to redistribute etc. You can’t control it, and if you try to, some form of restriction/compensation will have to be present. Try your best to let things be. I avoid body checking and tight clothing as this helps me stop fixating on where the weight is settling for now.

“What are some foods that you have conquered/still need to conquer?”

Not so long ago, I had a list the length of my forearm of foods that I wouldn’t touch. Now that list doesn’t exist. I am willing to try or attempt all foods. I still do have various fear foods but I will always give them a go.

I need to conquer olive oil, double cream and some desserts. I am also aware that there are some foods that I still consider more ‘dinner foods’. I need to work on this.

“Do you think it’s good to eat healthy in recovery?”

For me as an individual, there is such a fine and fragile line with the desire for healthy eating and then this becoming more obsessive and dangerous (orthorexia).

I always say “There are no good and bad foods. Only good and bad relationships with them.” What does ‘healthy’ eating in this question mean? Because really, if you’re eating loads of socially labelled ‘healthy food’ but have negative emotions about ‘unhealthy’ foods, you aren’t being healthy. Mental and physical health often work in harmony. If you mean ‘is it good to follow healthy eating trends’, no, it’s not. But if you mean is it good to follow your bodies cravings and hunger signals, yep, that’s healthy.

I think overall we should try our bests to stop judging our foods. I also think it’s dangerous to say “listen to your body” because our bodies intuitions are warped by the illness. If our body wants fruit for every snack, that’s not something you should necessarily follow through with. We simply cannot rely on intuitions when recovering. Maybe have some fruit, but be smart and have something nutritionally dense with it too. I like to have nut butter with apple, for example.

I always say “why would a starved body crave brocolli and salad?” And that’s true, in some regards. It doesn’t seem to make sense because nutritionally it doesn’t bring the benefits we need. However, if we look at the anorexia famine response idea, vegetables and plant based food is what we would forage on whilst migrating- so it makes some sense that we want these. We have the ability to override this urge though, as there are supermarkets every few miles, not just berries on a bush. Also something to consider: if we have only been having brocolli and salad for weeks/months/years, our bodies may crave them out of habit. This again is something that has to be overridden.

I think in recovery, nutritional rehabilitation made neural rewiring possible for me. As I restored weight, I gained mental capacity (eg strength to challenge etc.) You should ALWAYS prioritise nutrient dense foods and if that means skipping the veggies on your plate, I don’t see a problem with that. Recovery eating is not ‘normal eating’. This is why it’s so important that your dietitian has speciality in eating disorders. Eating a ‘healthy and well rounded diet’ may not be quite what you need right now. It wasn’t what I needed.

“Shall I still commit to Recovery at a healthy weight?”

OMG Yes. This is one of the most important things. Complete commitment regardless of your stage of recovery. I always think it’s unlikely that totally committing can be done from extremely low weight because of the brain fog. I certainly didn’t, it took some initial (reluctant/whilst-still-restricting) weight gain first, before I actually decided to commit. Anorexia isn’t about weight or having a certain look. It’s a mental illness that manifests itself in physical appearance (sometimes). You can weight restore with the habits of anorexia firmly still in place.

Be mindful that what you perceive to be a healthy weight by societies standards may not be the actual healthy weight for you body.

“How do you stop comparing yourself with others?”

I have a little phrase that I always repeat to myself. “I am not them, they are not me. I am on my own path.”

What somebody else eats or how much they exercise has absolutely no baring on my life.

“How do you juggle uni with recovery, would you recommend? I don’t want to miss out…”

From my personal experience and perspective I wouldn’t recommend it to a friend. I found my first year really, really hard. I understand completely that you don’t want to ‘miss out’ and part of me shared this feeling of not wanting this illness to keep my life on hold. But, throughout my recovery, my family have been instrumental and I did struggle without them. The daily little stresses of meeting new people, deadlines etc on top of recovery was a real challenge. I know for many people who are older, juggling life and recovery is unavoidable. But if I had the option to take a gap year again, I personally would. It’s an individual thing though, and some people may thrive/benefit when moving away from home.

From my perspective, you won’t be ‘missing out’ if you don’t go to uni for now. If you go before you’re ready, you’ll ‘miss out’ a lot when you’re there, trust me. I did miss out on some things. After an exhausting day battling, the last thing I felt like doing was socialising with loud and sometimes inconsiderate people. Don’t rush and make an informed decision. University will wait and be there for you whenever you are ready. Health>everything.

I hope some of these answers helped! Most dilemmas I can solve with my 3 commitments that I follow blindly through any fear: Commitment to:

1) unrestricted eating,

2) weight gain,

3)loosing rules and rituals.

BTW, above is the view that I am looking at now whilst finishing off writing this. La vie est belle!

Always Keep fighting,

Han xx

I did a blog post previously (number 48) about how important language use and your internal monologue is in recovery. I give examples of words that I try to use with myself to make it mentally less daunting.

This is a brief ‘part 2’ of that, and I just add more words to that list. Here goes:

1. “Ana”

Something frequently stumble upon on Instagram (should I accidentally be on the ‘explore’ page) is captions which resemble the following:

“I couldn’t challenge tonight because Ana was too loud”.

I’ve read studies about how characterising Anorexia can be really helpful when treating young children. It dissociates the illness with them and makes them feel as though they can fight it. However, after the age of 13, research shows this can have detrimental effects, and so this method is often ceased by treatment providers after this age. These detrimental effects are something I experienced.

Having a gendered and named duplicate character for the illness gave me something to blame not challenging on. It made me think that I was not in control. Yes, the thoughts are often overwhelming and I feel as though I haven’t got a choice, but in reality, I always do. Those are just feelings. Phrases like: “She was too loud,” don’t sit well with me. No ‘she’ wasn’t. The personification of ‘Ana’ for me, implied that separate identity was living inside of my head who had the power to knock the fork from my mouth. That’s so far from the truth. 

My thoughts were merely intense. They were and sometimes continue to be like torchure. Yet, although I am not my you illness, and it doesn’t define me, Anorexia is within me, and so, I shouldn’t pretend it’s not. These are MY faulty thoughts and MY neural network. Not some badass bitch who whispers at me that I shouldn’t eat. Anorexic thoughts come from an exceptionally commanding faulty neural pathway that attempts to influence my actions. They are in my brain. Therefore, I have control.

2. “Too much”

Not going to elaborate on this, other than saying: There is no such thing as too much in recovery. You can’t ruin your recovery by eating too much, only too little.

3.“Too early/too late”

Food timings do not matter. Simple. This is restriction.

4.“Later”

Later never comes. And if it does come, it is restriction. It is putting it off in the moment and saving it for later. I did a whole blog post on this. (I think it’s number 3??)

5.“Failed”

You haven’t failed 10 times. You’ve just discovered 10 ways of how not to do it. 

5. “What if…”

Micromanaging my recovery is something that I attempted to do. Gain X amounts per week, eat X amount of calories per day, increase by X calories every X days. Holy shit that seems like the same control that Anorexia loves…

Weight gain won’t be linear. Weight distribution won’t be manageable by you. Some days you may feel the need to eat 5000 calories and the next only 3000. You body knows what it’s doing when it tells you you’re hungry. I was certainly incredibly guilty of fearing what was to come so much that I didn’t begin.

As soon as I stop with the questions and worries, and did the simple thing: stop exercising and increased my food intake considerably, I made progress. Again, I’ve done a blog post about fear holding you back. (It’s number 17).

Hope this updates list helps. Check out #48 for other lingo that helps me

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx

 

I have always considered myself to be a very logical, objective person. I’m kind, I’m thoughtful and I’m honest. But by looking at some of my actions over the past few years, those traits aren’t evident in my personality. When firmly in the grips of my eating disorder, my mind is full of irrational and false ideas about myself. I feel weak, worried and tired, which is far cry from the strong and energetic girl I once was. I want to be like that again.

More than anything, I want to be completely anorexia free. I want to stop obsessing about food, calories and exercise but its total hold on my mind and actions prevent me from making the necessary steps to recovery and seeking help. Notice that word again, “I want”. My parents words (as they tried to teach me manners), “I want never gets” ring in my ears. They were right. A want doesn’t get. It’s not enough. A “want” doesn’t stand up against crippling fear that an eating disorder embeds in my mind. When entrenched in this illness, there are some days in which I honestly cannot see any way out. I start believing that I will live like this forever and that is my ultimate fear. This again is a far cry from the positive outlook and determination that I used to have when faced with a challenge. Even if something felt unlikely, the Old Han would give it her best shot.

Reality:

In truth, I know that the hard work has to come from me. To beat this illness, I need to challenge myself, be accountable and use the support that I have around me. I can take power back from my eating disorder and say, “I am doing X, and it is really hard for me but I will do it.” And do it. Again and again, every single day until there’s clarity and until a challenge is not a challenge. I can’t just rely on “wanting” to get better. So challenging myself all day, every day is what I’ve been doing this week and commit to continue doing.

In the past when I’ve made improvements, changes in my behaviour did not come from the rational thought of my motivations. It horrified and embarrassed me to say, but even the rational thought wanting to be better for a family holiday doesn’t stand up against the fear my ED makes me feel. That’s because Anorexia does not do rational. In the past, improvements have been made when I hit a point that I couldn’t go on living as I was any longer. Living with an eating disorder is not a life. It is an existence that leaves me with nothing, no feelings, no energy, nothing, isolated and alone. Numbers, calories, exercise, spinning relentlessly in my mind and warping my values. A family holiday is something the old Han would look forward to for months. The irrational anorexia puts the fear above that.

I have made the choice now. It is exhausting, painful and confusing trying to go against thoughts that my own brain produces every single second of the day, but when I truly hear the real Han beneath the din that my eating disorder produces, I can see parts of the real Han re-emerging. A laugh, a joke, a drive, a surge empowerment and strength. Through constant commitment to recovery, I know that I can do this and know that those aspects of my personality can fully return. I know deep down that my life can be better than the existence that I have now. I’ve had glimpses of this when doing well in the past, like when I couldn’t stop laughing and my cheeks hurts on a day out with my sister. Or when I couldn’t stop smiling at the sun’s rays on the daisies outside. Or when I could watch a film and snack whilst engaging with the film. There is a wonderful life waiting for me, but I have to commit to getting there. I can’t just ‘want’ to get there. Every day I challenge, I feel myself becoming ever so slightly mentally stronger. When I cry, it isn’t a sign of weakness and I don’t have to punish myself for it. It usually means that I’ve done the exact right thing.

I have a long way to go, but the aspects of life that full commitment has allowed me to see snippets of before shows me that I have to recover if I want to be happy. I know that I want to fight this. I want recovery but more importantly, I need to fight this. I need recovery to get the Old Han back. This week is about reaffirming the importance of commitment, accountability and responsibility. Of course I want to get better, but commitment will stand up against a fear more than desire ever will.

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx

From the outset, I’ve wanted this account to be real so that hopefully my own experiences help others. If this message reaches and helps just one other, that’s enough for me.

On my journey to recovery, I’ve experienced good days and bad days. A few of weeks ago, I felt great. Perhaps the best I had in a while. But then, without a reason I can pinpoint, things began to slip slightly and old thoughts behaviors began to creep back in. Even after all of the hard work I’ve been putting in, I began getting more bad days than good ones. It’s a few weeks later now, and I feel like I’ve just woken up from an awful dream. It was a whirlwind that I didn’t see coming and have only just noticed that I was in. Just because I have been going through a hard time does not mean I’ve ‘failed recovery’ and have to give up. That’s like dropping your phone and smashing it slightly and thinking ‘oh well, I may as well stamp on it repeatedly now.’  This slip up is just part of my learning, growing, and part of me becoming stronger.

The word relapse isn’t one that I like to throw around and isn’t one that particularly helpful to me. The type of language I use with myself (my internal dialogue) is really influential to my feelings and the task of ‘getting myself out of a relapse’ seems ominous and scary. Nevertheless, a relapse is the deterioration in someone’s state of health after a temporary improvement. This is what has happened.

Rather than dwell on this or punish myself, I’m acting. I’m coming up with a plan to make improvements once again. I’ve done it before so I can do it again. Like I always say, the journey of recovery is like a winding path. Over the past few weeks, I took the wrong one. I can walk right road again though.

Over the past couple of days I’ve read about the “warning signs” of a relapse. Recognizing the “red flags” of a potential relapse doesn’t happen overnight and I didn’t spot them. It can take many years, along with trials and errors to be able to realize when you need to ask for help again. I wasn’t quick enough to notice the red flags this time but I sat down yesterday and identified a few of these in hope that this they are preventable next time.

Here are some of the signs I noticed:

• Divergence from my established recovery eating schedule:

I became complacent. One of the obvious signs looking back was that I wasn’t challenging new foods like usual. I also wasn’t ensuring that I was getting the right mix of nutrients in the day.

• Withdrawal:

When our bodies do not have enough fuel they often begin to feel tired as resources are being diverted and energy stores are being depleted. I began not going out to clubs with my friends. I began wanting to eat my lunch alone and left the room straight after my classes. I wanted to be on my own a lot more and also, felt so irritable. I then convinced myself that my friends didn’t want to be around me.

• Emergence, or reemergence of rigid eating patterns:

Behaviors such as only eating within certain times and only eating in certain places raised their ugly head. I was really surprised by this re-emergence after a prolonged recovery period but I quickly found myself falling back into silly old habits.

• Being dishonest:

One of my most important values in a person in honesty. Over the past few weeks, I hate to admit that little lies slipped off my tongue. When people asked if I was ok, I didn’t tell them I wasn’t. I didn’t tell them that I could have really done with a chat/ a kick up the arse. I wasn’t honest with myself either.

• Increase in obsessive thinking about food:

A main motivation for me to recover in the past has been to stop the nightmare that is mental hunger. Over the past few weeks, I found myself checking the menu of what was for dinner and planning meals and snacks on my phone.

• Sleep:

One of the tell tell signs for me slipping backwards is not being able to sleep. This might not apply to everyone but waking up during the night is always what happens with me.

My next steps:

• Temporarily hand over the power to my mum:

This is something that is really hard for me to admit that I need, but that makes it all the more necessary. Control and rigidity is something that I feel that I have fallen back into so for the moment the best person to help me get out of the pattern is my mum. But, although my mum will be preparing my meals and snacks, I need to take the responsibility for my own recovery. This means adding extra snacks or asking for seconds if and when I feel hungry. This is what has worked for me before.

• Practice self-care:

When my ED takes over, I tend to neglect myself. I’m going to have a few long baths, paint my nails and buy myself a few little things that might help me feel better. Weirdly, things like slipping on a new pair of fluffy socks or tying a funky new scrunchie around my ponytail that have the capability to make my day a little brighter.

• Restart my journal/recovery notebook:

There came a time where I didn’t feel like I needed this but when I’m struggling it’s so useful to refer to. I’m going to be using this as and when I need.

• Restart challenging:

I’m going to get back into the challenge horse and start galloping. I know that I thrive when I throw myself into it and push myself. Starting on Monday, I’m going to do some ‘community challenges’, but will also be challenging various bits and bobs throughout the day to keep me making progress.

• Open up:

At the moment, I feel really disappointed in myself. I’ve taken a few steps back that I never thought I would. In reality, I need to give myself a god-damn break. I have done something that went against everything in my head and admitted that I need a little bit of extra support. Now I need to use that-I need to stop isolating myself and talk about my feelings.

If you can identify any of these ‘red flags’ within your days, act. Tell someone. Spotting signs of a relapse isn’t easy and it’s even harder to admit it to yourself, let alone others. Recovery will be the best thing we ever do and I am so fortunate to have such an amazing support network around me to pick me up after a stumble.

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx

 

You guys know me, I’m not one for avoiding triggers that I feel are necessary to confront. For example, I won’t avoid a mirror due to fearing looking bigger, because getting bigger is what needs to happen for me to be healthy. However, I am also not one for going searching for triggers. I don’t think going out of my way to watch something that could be harmful is the best idea for anyone, let alone somebody in recovery…

Who knows why but over the past couple of weeks I’ve had more messages than ever from people who have got themselves into a pickle after watching certain YouTube videos. By ‘certain’, I don’t mean any particular channel, but just various different videos covering various different (nonsense) topics. You probably know the types that I mean- those which promote certain ‘healthy’ lifestyles, certain workouts or weight loss or transformation journeys. I almost clicked on a video called ‘What happens if you eat oatmeal every morning for a week?’ or something ridiculous the other day. What a load of absolute trash that would have been.

These videos have caused people a number of problems. Sometimes they’ve put whole food groups into question and they’ve also left people second guessing if normal foods, such as chocolate, should actually be avoided. Maddness. While there are some incredibly helpful videos on YouTube, it’s safe to say that a lot of them are harmful. This is just going to be a blog where I hope you will see how selectively choosing what you expose yourself to and avoiding comparisons is so important.

I know from experience just how tempting it can be to click on ‘suggested videos’ when you’re scrolling through YouTube. Sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of intrigue, I find it all to easy to click on something that I know I shouldn’t really be watching. Over the past couple of months, I have really noticed how I have to power to change what content I see. I tend to block unhelpful Instagram pages, and no longer watch those YouTube videos that caused me such inner turmoil.

A lot of online videos are not going to help you build a healthy relationship with food, and instead are likely to make your judgement towards certain foods even more intense. This concept of food judgement is something I am working on a lot recently. In a world obsessed with thinness and diets, why on earth should you follow Random Rachel’s Food of the Day? Or Morning routine? Or gym workout? You’re not random Rachel and copying her might be detrimental to your easily influenced, impressionable, fragile ED brain. Without even meaning to, your head can cling onto a piece of information and make things a lot harder. I remember seeing a video of somebody make an egg white omelette and believing this is what should be done. For months after, I had the thought of using just egg white in my omlettes. Thank goodness I never actually followed through with it.

There are lots of videos on YouTube that you might stumble upon. Here are some examples and the positives and negatives from my opinion, and opinons from my Instagram Poll.

1. Famous people’s or a models ‘What I Eat in a Day’ videos:

+ I’m afraid I literally can’t think of any positives of watching what a celebrity/ model eats in a day. Most celebrities are famous due to looking a ‘certain way.’ You do not and should not aim to look or eat like they do. You are your own person.

– WHy tHe hElL would I want to see what a Victoria’s secret angel is eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Why the hell am I (whilst in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder) purposely watching content of somebody whose job it is to remain super slim? I’m exposing myself to something that I know will be detrimental and harmful and unsustainable. Of course a Victoria’s Secret Model isn’t going to have a couple of scoops of ice cream after dinner, and because she doesn’t, my Anorexia will convince me that I shouldn’t either. I don’t want to see somebody eating Keto, Fasting or dairy free, because I can be sure as hell that my ED will try to convince me that I should be doing the same. It’s a no from me. Before I had an eating disorder, I had never ever watched a ‘What I Eat In a Day’ video. I know that no member of my family has. If I believe if I’m acting disordered, I question: ‘Would my sister watch this?’ No, Probably not.

2. Recovery ‘What I Eat in a Day Videos’:

+  When I asked on Instagram if people found these videos useful, some people said that realistic ‘what I eat in a day videos’ were encouraging. One said how, “seeing people eat proper amounts and actually recovering” is useful. I agree with this partially, but caution is need. In my opinion, filming every single thing you eat in a day has to be attached to some sort of disordered behaviour, so the channels which show fear food challenges, (rather than an ENTIRE day of eating that I can compare myself to) really help and inspire me. Who knows and what standards are ‘actually recovering’?

– What you have to remind yourself is that alot of these people are in recovery. A lot are not recovered. They often still have a disordered or repairing their relationship with food. This might mean that it isn’t suitable to copy them. Even if their intake is monitored by a dietitian, it still might be not suitable for you. For example, one dietitian might think it appropriate to eat ‘light yoghurts’ but mine defintley doesn’t. You also need to be aware that you may be in very different stages of your recovery.

To be honest, during my early recovery, I did watch some videos of this kind in order to seek ‘permission’ or confirmation’ that I wasn’t alone when attempting to gain weight. The fact that I didn’t even know they existed before recovery should have told me that I didn’t need to watch them, but after stumbling upon one, it was so easy to fall into the trap of watching too many. It made me question if I actually knew how to eat ‘right’. I also found myself getting upset if the YouTuber said ‘I’m really scared of X because it has so much fat in it’ for example. This type of thing really used to affect me. I think it’s so easy to become obsessed and overly focussed on things like this. Also, bear in mind that your eating disorder might be comforted by seeing somebody else eat lots of food. If you are just sitting and watching and gaining satisfaction from somebody else recovering, but not actually doing it yourself, that is disordered.

I believe that if you find yourself comparing your intake to somebody elses, you should stop watching ‘What I Eat In a Day’ videos. If they inspire you to challenge or make you think ‘ah, I need to increase/step up my game’ then perfect! Carry on. But reconsider if they’re making you feel like you are eating too much– because there is no such thing in recovery. You are in your own recovery and what somebody else is eating in their recovery doesn’t really have anything to do with yours. In my down time, I try to do something un-food-related, such as a crossword or watching a film. This stops my brain learning that food is the most important thing in the world.

3. My Anorexia Story

– Seeing photographs, learning details of lowest weights, relapses and hearing information about causes of anorexia is not something that will benefit many people in their recovery. I think unless very, very carefully made, these videos need to be approached with A LOT of caution. I think if I were to watch one, I know I would compare my ‘story’ to theirs. There may be a few good ones around, but from the feedback in Instagram messages I have recieved, I think I’ll leave that to my imagination.

4. Recovery Vlogs

+  There are a few recovery channels that I have found incredibly helpful in my recovery and have actually helped me get to the place that I am today. These have been useful in helping me learn coping mechanisms and also gain comfort in what I am experiencing is normal.

When I asked on my Instagram, I received a lot of responses about the advantages of being able to relate and hear advice from somebody else who has been in your position. I think this is so valuable if the person is actually ‘fully recovered’ or at least stable. If there is still a negative relationship with food present within the videos, question whether the comments/advice they are giving are helpful.

These vlogs can be so helpful at seeing how there is life beyond an ED. They might be motivating as you can think, ‘If they can do it, so can I!’  I know how useful it is to see somebody succeed and honestly chat about their experiences. Tips and advice about coping mechanisms are brilliant too. Lots of people also said that it helps them feel less embarrassed about weird ED traits/behaviours and yes, I agree. People like Megsy or Kate Noel  make me feel less alone and inspired.

– Some of these videos can take advantage of vulnerable people, as can those Instagram accounts with thousands of followers who promote tiny meals and claim to be in ‘recovery’. Not only can they lead you awful comparison, but can cause feelings of being invalid. Seeing disordered habits or lifestyles can be really triggering and unhelpful for some.

Something else to bear in mind, though, is that you MUST utilize the advice given in the videos. If you just watch, agree, but then go back to your disordered ways… there is no point.

5. Deep breathing, mindfulness and meditation videos

+  All have been incredibly helpful to me recently. See my recent blog on breathing for more on this…

I hope this blog was useful. Basically, don’t make recovery harder than it already is. Don’t add in something that is going to cause you extra worry. Consider what emotions the videos are giving you and if negative, obviously avoid them. Even if this blog just gets you thinking about the power that YOU have to influence what you see, that is good enough for me 🙂 Look after yourself. You do You.

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx

 

I think I get asked about metabolism more than anything and luckily, due to my own intense fears that I had completely destroyed mine, I’ve done lots of reading about it. Hopefully I can shed some comforting light on the topic.

What caloric restriction does to the metabolism:

Restriction is any time that we eat less than our body needs or wants, regardless of ‘healthy’ or ‘good’ intentions. This includes diets, cleanses and cutting out food groups, as well as the classic concepts of skipping meals and snacks.

A wonderful metaphor to use for what restriction does to your metabolism is ‘The Cave Man brain’. This is the part of our brain that runs us as a mammal. It is so wise in taking care of us as an animal. All it knows is what is happening to it as a mammal.

As soon as we begin to restrict, the Cave Person Brain goes into life saving mode. It may sound dramatic, but all I mean by this is that it does everything to protect you and help you survive. Our Cave Person Brain assumes that caloric restriction means famine and our brains try to figure out how to protect us. It’s really brilliant.

The first day we begin to restrict, our Cave Person Brain resolves to protect our body weight and starts to drop our metabolism. Metabolism means how your body uses energy to live on a daily basis. To really simplify it, metabolism is how many calories we need to take in to gain or lose weight. It is not an exact fixed number, but is within a range. Our cave person brains slow our metabolisms down to close to exactly what we are eating, in an effort to protect us.

The way that this happens affects almost every single organ in our body. Although everyone is different (and it manifests differently in everyone) there are some common  methods that the body uses as it tries to conserve energy.

Warmth: The body doesn’t wants to use as little energy as it can to keep us warm. So, it shuts down normal blood flow to our hands and feet, keeping them cold all the time. Think of it as not heating a spare room in your house to try to keep the energy/electricity bill down. It makes us chilly, so that rather than using energy to keep us at 36 degrees, it cools us down so we seek extra layers and alternative ways of getting warmth. This stops it having to do this work itself, because that would be using vital calories that it can’t waste.

Slows heart rate: So that our bodies aren’t wasting calories on the beat on the heart

Slows digestion: So that youre not using energy processing food, using energy pushing it into the intestines and going to the toilet. These all ‘waste’ energy.

Stops sex hormones: It rolls the sex hormones in your brain to pre- adolence levels. Sex drive takes calories.  Baby making takes calories. And for sure, for females, baby carrying takes calories. So it rules those out of the equation. So it stops producing the hormone that could potentially cause these calorie outputs. In fact, in females, both the uterus and ovaries shrink to the size that they were when we were 12.

So the body slows us down. So no matter how hard we strict, we still might not lose weight. Our bodies do everything they can to make it really, really hard to lose. Keep in mind, there are people who don’t show these signs. That’s why there’s no point comparing. Actually, 25% of eating disorder sufferers who do indeed lose a tremendous amount of body weight, don’t actually end up loosing their period at all. You can be sure as hell that the eating disorder will cling onto this and convince your that you aren’t ‘sick enough.’ You might have 5 of the symptoms, but if you don’t have the 6th, you start to question whether you actually are sick. But of course you are. Even if you don’t display any of the physical signs, if you’re engaging in the behaviours and you struggling mentally YOU ARE SICK ENOUGH to seek help.

So, whether or not you have lost weight, if you have restricted your calories, you metabolism will have slowed.

What beginning to eat then does to the metabolism:

When you decide to start recovery, you decide to start nourishing yourself and this means not restricting, and upping calories. Some people worry that if they havent been losing much weight or maintaining on such low calories (that they were on before deciding on recovery) what on earth will happen when they genuinely start eating. The answer is simple. Your metabolism will speed up.

Your body has no judgement. As soon as you start consistently nourishing it again, your metabolism will rise. I’m not talking a few biscuits per day increase, I’m talking eating everything your body asks of you- which might be a hell of a lot. As soon as you begin meeting your energy needs, it simply will just rise on its own. Some people even find that after increasing their calories a lot, their bodies go into a state of hypermetabolism and this isn’t uncommon. Your metabolism isn’t permanently damaged.

This also explains why diets do not work and are unsustainable. Have you ever heard somebody say they have an event at the weekend so are going on a ‘cleanse’ or something similar during the week to prepare for it. The metabolic process explains, so simply, why people who simply go on ‘diets’ for a week or so, end up actually gaining weight. They will restrict calories, which lowers their metabolic rate, they will become ravenously hungry after a period of restriction, that they will eat lots of food which will work on their lowered metabolic rate. Tell your friend, or anyone who considers a short-term diet or fad that the only thing they will achieve by this clense is to lower their metabolism so they’re probably better of not. My room-mate a uni (kindly) informed me she was eating X amount of calories per day. I won’t say how many, but it was hella low. She was just on a little diet I guess. I told her exactly that. You’re lowering your metabolism! and she just said, “I gain weight when I eat hardly anything though!” It’s no surprise! her metabolism will have lowered due to the tiny amount she’s eating. Until she ups her calories significantly, she will gain on small amounts.

There is always the anxiety that you will be the unicorn, the anomalies, whose metabolism will not naturally increase. You think that you will gain on small amounts forever. But once you begin to meet your bodies needs, there is no reason that it won’t increase. Trust your body, it has got your best interests in mind. So if anyone ever asks me again “Han! how do I raise my metabolism?” All I will reply is: eat more. It is the only way. There is no other magic formula.

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx

Potentially one of the most annoying things somebody can say to you when you’re in a panic is “breathe.” I applaud you if you don’t get the intense urge to say shut up to anybody who offers this advice. But I’m afraid that in this blog, breathing is exactly what I’m going to tell you to do. Hear me out before telling me to shut up.

Here’s how (according to science) long slow deep breaths have the ability to calm you down:

If you didn’t already know, we have 2 types of nervous system:

1) The sympathetic nervous system which prepares the body for intense physical activity and is often referred to as the fight-or-flight response. For anorexia sufferers, this is the part of our brain that is activated when we feel stress, for example when your mum puts a chocolate sponge pudding in front of you after dinner. The sympathetic nervous system (SNS) releases the hormones (catecholamines – epinephrine and norepinephrine) to accelerate the heart rate during periods of stress or excitement. This is why when facing a fear food, you might actually become sweaty and feel your heart racing. If we think of ourselves as cave-men, this actually makes a lot of sense. Imagine a dangerous animal is lurking outside your cave. The stress from this lurking predator means we must prepare for a ‘flight or fight’ reaction. We either run from it or head out and try to take on the danger. In the past, this would have been both useful and essential to not only handle danger, but to get food for ourselves. If we saw a big herd of buffalo wonder by and we completely relaxed and chilled, the likelihood is we wouldn’t catch one. Our heart rate wouldn’t be raised and we wouldn’t be mentally and physically prepared to act.

Side note: Your SNS can also be activated if you drink too much caffeine too. So if you recognise becoming stressed after caffine, try to ween down on it.

2) The parasympathetic nervous system has almost the exact opposite effect and relaxes the body and inhibits or slows many high energy functions. The parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) releases the hormone acetylcholine to slow the heart rate. Science shows that taking slow, deep breaths helps to slow your heart rate by activate the parasympathetic nervous system and so releasing the hormone. We don’t feel this fight or flight response anymore and therefore it is actually a lot easier to keep calm.

This can actually be really useful (and a technique I use) when facing fear foods. If you begin to panic mid meal. Put your fork down, and take a really long breath in. Feel yourself relax and calm. It will stop that overwhelming fight of flight response of either running from the table or throwing your plate across the room. So next time you’re in a fluster or feel yourself beginning to panic, take some slow, long deep breaths. We can actually voluntarily switch between our nervous systems which, if you think about it, is pretty cool and an example of how amazing our bodies are.

Always Keep Fighting,

Han xx